


let it all out (10:05)

by cashtonglows



Series: cashton by coin! [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bisexual Ashton Irwin, Coming Out, Domestic Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Swearing, and the author is projecting, but ashton helps him through it :), but yeah thats all bye, calum has a panic attack :(, calum is jus stressed ok, kind of, luke and michael are only mentioned sorry, this is also kinda short im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:40:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27509230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cashtonglows/pseuds/cashtonglows
Summary: Breathing was hard. Really fucking hard.The last thing Calum wanted in this moment was to be alone, and in a way, he wished he and Ashton had some sort of telepathic communication system. At least that way he didn’t have to beg for Ashton to come into the bathroom and help himbreathe.—Everything was crashing down, all becoming far too much far too fast, on Calum. He just needed Ashton, no matter how much he hated himself for it.—inspired by 'Let It All Out (10:05)' by COIN!
Relationships: Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin
Series: cashton by coin! [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2010553
Kudos: 30





	let it all out (10:05)

**Author's Note:**

> hey!  
> i really loved writing the last fic inspired by a COIN song, so here's another one that's a part of the same series. u dont really need to read 'talk too much' to understand this one, but it'll probably help (so i recommend it!). also there is an anxiety attack in this fic, so please read the tags just in case.  
> anyways, i hope u enjoy!  
> loads of love,  
> lou

Calum wasn’t sure how it started.

He supposed it was a build up of some things. The band’s sudden spike in popularity due to his and Ashton’s now public relationship (as it turns out, lots of people like a slow burn) brought new eyes on Calum. Along with that came hateful words that couldn’t seem to escape Calum’s mind, despite it never getting to him before.

Tour was also approaching soon, and, as excited as Calum was to get out there and perform for all the fans, his new title as a ‘queer icon’ was putting a lot of pressure on him. He didn’t even ask for it, really. He didn’t deserve it either, it wasn’t like he faced any kind of discrimination because he was with Ashton. All Calum did was post a picture of him and Ashton kissing, which led to articles and management meetings and interviews.

And Calum wasn’t an idiot, either.

He knew things were going to change after going public with Ashton, but he didn’t care. He always thought that it would be more painful to keep it from the fans, especially after unintentionally keeping it from each other for so long.

Calum just didn’t expect things to change this much.

He also didn’t expect to not be able to breathe in the middle of movie night with Ashton, Michael and Luke, either.

Calum quickly excused himself, saying that he needed to go to the bathroom, before rushing out of the living room and shutting the bathroom door behind him. He sat down on the toilet cover, his head in his hands.

Calum racked his brain for all of the things he remembered that helped him during panic attacks, but nothing came to mind except that voice in his head. The voice that wouldn’t stop telling Calum how much of a failure he was, that he wasn’t good enough to have this kind of influence over so many people, that he didn’t deserve Ashton.

And, fuck, that one hurt.

He had tears dripping down his cheeks by this point, and his chest rose and fell rapidly and without any kind of pattern. Calum felt his blood pounding in his ears as his hands started to shake.

He felt his phone vibrate in his hand, and he looked down, scanning the screen. Calum felt his breath get caught in his throat when he saw it was another email from management. He squeezed his eyes shut before opening them and trying desperately to focus on the time instead of the email.

_10:05, 10:05, 10:05._

“God, get it together, Cal.” Calum mumbled desperately to himself, his words ending in gasping breaths.

Breathing was hard. Really fucking hard.

The last thing Calum wanted in this moment was to be alone, and in a way, he wished he and Ashton had some sort of telepathic communication system. At least that way he didn’t have to beg for Ashton to come into the bathroom and help him breathe.

_Weak. Can’t even breathe on your own, how do you expect to inspire these people with your music?_

God, Calum needed Ashton.

With that thought in mind, Calum got up from where he had been sitting on the toilet cover and opened the bathroom door, not really bothering to wipe his eyes as he silently made his way through the hallway. He stopped once he saw the back of Ashton’s head, hovering in the area between the living room and the hallway.

Calum felt his ability to speak go, getting more and more wound up as he stood there silently and tried his hardest not to let out a sob and interrupt the movie. But again, he and Ashton didn’t have telepathic communication. He had to say something.

“…Ash?” Calum called out, almost as a whisper, his tears only increasing when Ashton didn’t hear him.

“Ash?” Calum tried again, a bit louder this time. He felt his voice crack on the single word, and he tucked his hands into the sleeves of his crewneck.

The room went silent, Ashton’s attention instantly going to Calum. He didn’t even hesitate before making his way over to him. Calum clutched onto Ashton as if he was his lifeline, burying his face into his shoulder as he let the tears fall silently onto the shoulder of Ashton’s shirt.

“Shh, it’s alright, honey.” Ashton whispered.

Luke and Michael watched silently as the only noises that filled the room were Calum’s quiet sniffles and the sound of Ashton quietly whispering. It must have been weird for them, Calum thought, to see him in such a vulnerable state. Calum was always the one who could laugh things off, brush away every shred of doubt with any kind of joke that would ease the tension.

Ashton turned his head to look at Luke and Michael, nodding in the direction of their bedroom. Without a word, Calum felt him leading him back down the hallway. He hoped the other two weren’t following.

Once he heard the door close, he lifted his head slightly before letting Ashton go. He sat on the bed and rested his face in his hands, trying desperately to wipe away the tears.

“What’s going on, honey?” Ashton asked quietly as he crouched down in front of Calum, resting a hand gently on his thigh. “C’mon, talk to me.”

Calum sniffled, struggling to meet Ashton’s eyes. “‘M sorry, Ash. I never wanted…” He trailed off with another sob, practically deflating in Ashton’s arms when his boyfriend sat on the bed next to him.

“Hey, don’t apologize. You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, okay?” Ashton murmured, keeping one arm around Calum while his free hand played with the black curls on the back of Calum’s neck.

“It’s just… it’s all so much.” Calum stuttered out after a few moments.

Ashton ran his hand up and down Calum’s side lovingly. “I know, baby, I know.” He mused.

Calum felt the weight on his chest lighten a bit at that. Ashton didn’t even need to ask what Calum was talking about. He just knew. He always just knew.

Maybe they did have that telepathic communication between them.

“How did you… handle it all when you came out?” Calum asked, hiccupping a bit.

Ashton closed his eyes and tilted his head up thoughtfully. He had come out way back in 2015, right before they started the ROWYSO tour. It was the main subject in interviews and press for a month or so, but Ashton’s sexuality quickly became viewed as nothing out of the ordinary. In some ways, it actually helped the band. Ashton’s speeches at shows were a little longer, and the song ‘Outer Space/Carry On’ had become a queer anthem for the fans.

Calum remembered it all clearly. The fans had made a pride flag using their phone’s flashlights and colored paper that they must have handed out before the show. They planned it all perfectly, too. Each section was a different color, successfully turning the entire stadium into a rainbow of lights.

Ashton had cried a bit at that, too.

“It was a lot of pressure at first.” Ashton admitted carefully. “I thought I had to make all these extra appearances without you guys, since everyone was so focused on setting me apart. I thought I was going to be ‘the one who likes guys’, when I just wanted to be Ashton.”

Calum nodded, sniffling a bit. “Yeah.” He agreed, perfectly understanding what Ashton was talking about now.

Because now Calum was a main topic in interviews, more specifically Calum and Ashton. They were constantly being separated from Luke and Michael whether it was by the fans (who meant well, really) or in press situations.

“It just took time, Cal.” Ashton hummed sweetly. “It all became normal soon enough, and this will, too. It’s just what happens in public relationships, y’know?” He asked. “It’s not just us in the honeymoon phase.”

Calum nodded, his brain urging him to take in Ashton’s words and actually feel better at them. And he did. Kind of. There was just another thing.

“I don’t…” Calum trailed off brokenly, picking himself back up when Ashton gave his waist an encouraging squeeze. “I don’t deserve you, Ash.” He whispered, voice ending in a pathetic whimper.

Calum knew that Ashton’s heart twisted in his chest at that, but he couldn’t help it. Ashton pulled him in close, wrapping both arms around him now. “Hey, don’t say that, honey. You deserve so much, please understand that.”

Calum shook his head because he didn’t. He didn’t deserve anything, he didn’t deserve Ashton. He didn’t understand why Ashton even bothered putting up with him at this point.

You can’t even breathe on your own. How the fuck did you end up here?

“Come back to me, Cal.” Ashton’s voice sounded sweet in Calum’s ear. “I’m right here, please stay with me.”

Calum’s hands started shaking in his lap, and he felt Ashton’s fingers interlacing themselves between them. “I— I’m so…” Words couldn’t seem to form sentences in Calum’s mind, and all that came out of his mouth were pathetic stuttering sounds.

“It’s okay, honey, you’re okay.” Ashton’s next words came in a delicate whisper. “ _Let it all out._ ”

And Calum did.

His heart was racing, and a part of him was honestly scared that it would burst out of his chest. Calum felt like he couldn’t move (even though his hands were still shaking violently), couldn’t breathe. He was sure that this was it, that his life was ending right then and there, and he wouldn’t ever have known anything more than the sharp pain in his chest and Ashton’s arms wrapped tightly around him.

“I’m so fucked up, Ashton.” Calum sobbed, hating himself for falling into Ashton’s chest and feeling comfortable with Ashton’s arms around him. Because he didn’t deserve that, he didn’t.

Ashton didn’t hesitate. “No.” He said sternly. “You aren’t. Don’t say that. You aren’t fucked up, Calum. You’re just… you’re overwhelmed, and that’s okay. Whatever it is, I’m here for you, I can help you.”

Calum shook his head violently. “I don’t— I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” He managed, although the words were choppy and breathless. Ashton didn’t say anything, leaving Calum desperate to explain himself. “I know it’s all my— my fault, I know I’m pathetic, but I can’t… I can’t stop. I can’t get better. You make me okay, Ash, you do, but I don’t— I don’t know, I just… I can’t—”

Calum couldn’t breathe. His throat was too tight for any air to get through, closing up and choking himself from the inside out. He was making desperate gasping sounds that he knew must hurt Ashton inside, but he couldn’t stop. Calum’s mind was blended with a terrifying mixture of irrational fear, guilt and self-hatred.

“Breathe, Calum.” Ashton’s voice made its way into Calum’s mind, somehow driving a wedge between the anxious thoughts.

“I can’t, I can’t breathe. I— I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t—” Calum stopped himself because maybe Ashton was right. Maybe he did need to breathe because when he opened his eyes for a split second the whole room spun. But he couldn’t get his body to corporate, to listen, to breathe. “I don’t want to keep you away from the band again, to separate you and make you different and— and you’re probably so, so disappointed and I’m sorry, but I’m just so scared— so scared and I—”

Calum felt Ashton reposition the way they were sitting so that they were facing each other, one of Ashton’s hands clutching Calum’s while the other rested on his cheek. “Calum, honey, please. Take your own advice that you gave to me, yeah?” He suggested, continuing when Calum just stuttered out words in confusion. “Stop talking so much. Take a breath. Feel your heartbeat, try to slow it down, okay?”

Calum gasped in air, trying his best to listen to Ashton. He was just so overwhelmed, so stressed at all the power he had at his fingertips. His entire fate, Ashton’s too, rested on them. Every move he made could cause an apocalypse between them.

He knew he wouldn’t hurt Ashton, not intentionally, but what if, one day, he’s had enough? He can’t break Ashton’s heart, he wouldn’t let it happen. Calum sniffled, taking a few more breaths before speaking. “I feel like I’m losing touch with you, Ash.”

Ashton gave Calum’s hand a squeeze and ran his thumb across his cheekbone. “I’m right here, honey. I’m touching you, you feel it?” He murmured. “Feel my hand on your cheek, our fingers laced together? It’s right here, and it’s real, Calum.”

Calum nodded, grasping at the small part of himself that understood what Ashton was saying. He tucked his head into Ashton’s neck, still squeezing his hand, and cried and cried and cried until he really couldn’t breathe anymore.

“Calum. Calum, deep breaths, remember?” Ashton tried again, and Calum heard the desperation slipping through his voice. “I love you so much, Cal, please know that. Shit, how can I help you, honey?”

Calum swallowed hard. He knew what he wanted, but, fuck, he didn’t even deserve Ashton. He couldn’t ask for this.

“Please, Cal. Please, how can I help?” Ashton tried again, rubbing his hand up and down Calum’s back.

Fuck it.

“Can you… can you just tell me why?” Calum asked, not taking his face away from Ashton’s chest and continuing when Ashton clearly didn’t understand. “Why do you love me?” His voice was so small, barely even there.

Ashton gave a sharp inhale at the question, and Calum flinched (even though Ashton’s reaction was completely understandable). Finally, after heavy moments of deafening silence, he said something. “Do you remember the day I told you everything?”

Calum nodded.

“Do you remember how I talked too much, how I let it all out without giving you a second to respond?”

Calum nodded again, a small smile tugging the corners of his lips up.

Ashton must have felt Calum’s smile because he gave his hand a squeeze. “I know I said a lot that day, which probably lead to my words getting all mixed up and not making any sense, so—”

Calum suddenly jerked up and looked at Ashton. “What? You made perfect sense, Ashton!” He argued, getting surprisingly defensive. “You told me you loved me because I’m sweet and funny and talented. You said I’m your best friend and that I’m perfect! You weren’t even sorry for it, either. At least, not by the end you weren’t. And you said you love me because I’m—” Calum cut himself off, not wanting to say it.

Ashton’s hand was at his cheek again. “You’re you. That’s why I love you, Calum Hood.” He said, running his thumb across Calum’s cheekbone for a second time. “See? You knew why. You had it in you all this time.”

Calum felt the weight that was anchoring him down start to lighten. “I…” He trailed off, not even knowing where he was going when he started the sentence.

“You’re strong, Calum. Talented and smart and so good with the fans. They all love you, too, you know?” Ashton assured. “And you’re beautiful, honey. Inside and out. Everyday I get to wake up next to you, and I get to remember that ‘oh, he loves me back’. Do you know how happy that makes me? How lucky I am to have you?”

Calum felt himself nod slightly, even though his brain screamed at him not to. He felt himself work on relaxing himself one muscle at a time, starting with the fingers that were laced with Ashton’s. He was breathing again, too, and he welcomed the feeling of air in his lungs with relief.

Ashton must have noticed that Calum was starting to relax because he moved his hand up to cup the back of Calum’s neck, lightly twirling his fingers into the black curls. “There you go, Cal. I’m so proud of you.” He whispered, leaning forward and rubbing his nose against Calum’s lovingly.

The playfulness of the act made Calum laugh quietly under his breath, and he focused on that. Focused on the feeling of Ashton’s fingers in his hair, their hands interlocked, the warm feeling in his chest that he got when Ashton pulled away with a dazzling smile.

“You picturing your happy place?” Ashton asked curiously after a few moments.

Calum’s brows drew together thoughtfully. His happy place, right. In the past, Calum would’ve pictured a show, maybe. Standing on stage with his best friends, the lights beaming down on them while thousands of screaming fans cheered louder than they could sing as Ashton twirled his drumstick with a grin.

Or maybe Calum would’ve imagined the first time all four of them had practiced together. Where they played a slightly sloppy cover of a Green Day song, sharing a look with each other at the end of it because they knew they had something. Where Ashton was slightly irritated with Calum for missing the last practices the entire time, but something in him had shifted by the end, flashing Calum a smile and a wave as they all left.

Maybe Calum would’ve thought about one of their days off on tour, where they had an entire city all to themselves. They would go out to the cute cafes and take stupid pictures that would make the fans go crazy on Twitter. And Calum and Ashton would always be running around together, laughing about one thing or another without a care in the world.

But, really, Calum didn’t think about a place. The thing that made him feel happy and grounded and safe wasn’t any of those scenarios. Except it was. Kind of.

Calum didn’t think about a place. He thought about a person. About _Ashton_.

Ashton was and always will be Calum’s happy place. It was as simple as that. Every possible scenario that he imagined, Ashton was there. He was always right by his side, experiencing anything and everything along with Calum.

Calum looked at Ashton with a smile, his heart finally feeling light again. “If you mean you, then, yeah, I’m picturing my happy place.”

Ashton made a surprised stuttering sound at that (which Calum found to be particularly adorable), and a blush rose to his cheeks. “I— Cal, that’s so… I love you so much, you know that? I don’t know how to describe how much I love you.”

Calum hummed and pressed a chaste kiss to Ashton’s lips. He squeezed Ashton’s hand as a thank you for everything. For calming him down, grounding him, loving him, all of it. Calum’s next words came out as a whisper, etching themselves into Ashton’s skin as they left his mouth.

“Let it all out, babe.”

**Author's Note:**

> kudos n comments are appreciated!  
> lou xx


End file.
